Even if our environment is peaceful, we can find ourselves wrestling with significant inner turmoil. We hear about actors and celebrities who seemed so happy to those around them before taking their own lives. In today’s world, it is easier than it has ever been simply to distract ourselves with any number of activities, any sort of entertainment, or even throwing ourselves into work. It is very easy to put our attention on what is going on outside rather than what’s going on inside. It is very easy to postpone facing the hard questions about ourselves. However, if you were to face those questions, what would they be? Are there regrets you try not to think about? Are there difficult truths about your shortcomings that are just too painful to face?
To face those things, you need the courage to meet yourself, your whole self, and nothing but yourself. The coldest months of the year provide the perfect opportunity to practice meeting with yourself. Notice the way you talk to yourself. Above everything else, is it truthful? Most of the time, it will not be. Most of our self-talk is reinforcing a narrative we already have about ourselves. Sometimes we stroke our own egos. Sometimes we indulge in self-loathing. To speak truthfully about ourselves, we have to start by listening to ourselves. We have to be willing to let whatever is resonating in us to have its say. The difficult truths we know about ourselves are sure to surface. We just need to be willing to hear them.
The truth is, whatever the most painful regret is, or the most repulsive personal failing we continually try to prove false is, you can survive facing it. On the other side of hearing that truth, you will still be there. Your mind and soul will be intact. The sum total of what you have become is not what you are. The essential you, ugly, beautiful, and everything else, is not the extent of the universe that is you. You can never experience this while you are afraid to face what you find.
There’s a persistent stereotype about “nice guys.” These are generally men who tell the world and themselves that they are nice while their reputation may tell a different story. Nice people generally never have to claim that title. They just are. They cannot get away from it. Nothing outside of them can take it away from them either. People who live as truly themselves do not rely on believing things about themselves to be true to navigate life. They trust that they were made the way they were supposed to be and are comfortable embracing each step on their path. The courage to do this has nothing to do with the specifics of your journey. It has everything to do with trusting that you can survive the whole range of feelings and emotions that constitute the human experience.
At Tumfo Tu, we say that you must “love yourself enough to hate yourself.” Essentially, this statement is a reminder that true self-love requires self-denial. There is plenty of conventional wisdom about denying cravings and desires, such as excessive alcohol or oversleeping. It is much more difficult to deny ourselves the pleasure of reinforcing our narratives when faced with painful truths about ourselves. Tumfo Tu students must practice avoiding crutches and shortcuts in life that skirt the truths we find hard to face. We do not surround ourselves with people who only agree with our point of view. We do not become complacent in our development as people. Finally, we always evaluate our speech to ensure it is truthful, especially to ourselves. Through this, we develop a true, honest, and trusting relationship with ourselves that keeps us embracing life every day. We dare to live.